When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Dale Carnegie
Wouldn’t it be nice to know how to make people like you?
If you are shy, you probably try to avoid interactions with people but there are times when you need to get out of your comfort zone and connect with others.
However, if you want to positively interact with others but are not sure what to do or say here are some helpful tips.
If other people like you it will be much easier to:
- Make new friends
- Get a new job
- Meet interesting people
- Start a new partnership
- Have better and more positive relationships with others
- Achieve your goals
How to Make People Like You: 10 Tips if You are Shy
These tips are based on Dale Carnegie’s book: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
The overall premise of the book is that most people only care about themselves and what they are interested in. Therefore, if you want other people to like you, it’s important to focus your attention on the other person.
This means that you need to find things to appreciate in others and make them feel good about themselves.
Let’s get started.
1 – Smile
Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling.
William James
Many times we forget to smile. When we meet a new person, we are so absorbed in our own problems that we forget to smile.
Smiling not only makes us look more friendly but it also gets us in a better mood.
If you don’t feel like smiling you may force yourself to smile by thinking or watching something funny or something that makes you happy.
Act and speak cheerfully to feel happier.
2 – Remember People’s Names
A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Make an effort to remember the name of the new people you meet. Others will be happily surprised to learn that you call them by their name.
Once the person tells you his or her name, repeat it a couple to times to yourself and use it in conversation so that your memory can easily store this new information.
3 – Listen and Encourage Others to Talk about Themselves
Paying attention and listening to the other person will give you more information to continue the conversation.
Rephrase the other person’s words to make sure you are understanding correctly.
In addition, people will like you if you listen and encourage them to talk about themselves.
4 – Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
The first step to make friends is to share some topics of interest with the other person.
However, if you want someone to like you, a good strategy is to become aware of the topics that the person enjoys.
The road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she is focused on the most.
For example, think about people you like and get along well.
You probably share similar interests and like talking about the same topics.
On the other hand, think about stressful relationships or situations that went from friendly to distant. Probably the interests changed and there wasn’t much in common to talk about anymore.
In addition, we did not have the patience or time to become informed in the interests of the other person.
There are places where people share some interests and beliefs which makes it easier to connect with each other:
- School
- Sports
- Classes
- Work
- Groups
When you share interests with others it’s easier to make friends and for others to like you.
5 – Don’t Criticize or Complain
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Dale Carnegie
How do you feel when others criticize you or complain?
Even though there are many times when we don’t like how a person behaves or the outcome of a situation, criticizing and complaining will only provide a short term relief.
In the long term, if you criticize or complain too much, nobody will want to be around you because you always look at the negative aspect of life.
Instead of criticizing or complaining, try to figure out why people are behaving in that specific way?
We all have our reasons for making certain choices and behaving in a certain way.
Think about your everyday disagreements with family and friends.
When you feel like criticizing the other person try to step into the other person’s shoes and see the situation from his or her point of view.
Instead of criticism offer empathy and understanding.
The easiest thing to do is to criticize and complain but it takes self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Dale CArnegie
Here are more tips on How to be Happy Practicing Empathy.
6 – Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
William james
Find something to appreciate and be grateful for in the other person.
Nourish the self-esteem of your friends.
Use kind words to show appreciation.
Think about the little things that make life meaningful such as remembering what you like and dislike.
People do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.
Charles Schwab
7 – Keep in Mind the Other Person’s Wants
People are interested in what they want not what we want.
Show others how to get what they want.
How can you make the person want to do it?
Some common motivation includes:
- Health
- Food
- Sleep
- Money and things that money can buy
- Feeling of importance
- Sexual gratification
- Well being of our children.
8 – Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people -things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”
Dale Carnegie
Instead of focusing on yourself, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Put your preferences to the side and become interested in what the other person has to say.
For example, you may love reading and watching movies. Then you meet someone who likes to skateboard. You may wonder if having different interests is an obstacle to becoming friends. The answer is absolutely not.
If you are able to become interested in the other person’s activities and the other person expresses curiosity for your reading and movies preferences, you could be friends and experience a little bit of each other’s world.
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.
Disraeli
Ask questions about what they like, how they accomplished their goals, and what is important to them.
Many people feel that they are better than you in some way. Recognize their importance in a genuine way.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with enthusiasm, interest, and positivity.
9 – Make the Other Person Feel Important and Do It Sincerely
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
William James
We all want the approval and recognition of others to feel valued. This is not insincere flattery but sincere appreciation.
Being polite, kind, and appreciative can make a big difference on how others perceive us.
Try using:
- Would you mind?
- Would you be so kind as to..?
- Could you please…?
- I really appreciate…
- That is so thoughtful of you.
- Thank you!
These little courtesies help to treat others with consideration, which will make them like us.
Most people consider themselves important and superior to you in some way.
Therefore, if you want people to like you, let them know that you sincerely recognize their importance.
10 – Start with the Agreements
When starting a conversation focus on the topics you agree with the other person.
It is easier for the other person to like you when you start talking about topics that you agree.
Moreover, emphasize that you both are hoping for the same outcome and it’s only a matter of how to get there.
People are more open to talk and discuss topics with others after responding “yes” to a couple of questions. There is a psychological process that involves the whole body when we agree or disagree.
When starting with agreements, it sets the tone for more agreements and positive interactions later.
Summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People
Fundamental Techniques
1 – Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.
2 – Smile.
3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6 – Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You are wrong.”
3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4 – Begin in a friendly way.
5 – Get the other person saying, “yes, yes,” immediately.
6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7 – Let the other person feel that the ideas is his or hers.
8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s point of view.
10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.
11 – Dramatize your ideas.
12 – Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader
A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5 – Let the other person save face.
6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Which of these tips to make people like you is the most helpful?
Let me know in the comments below.
Its a very interesting topic, it gives boost and self confidence. These are definitely great ways to persuade people to act the way you want them to be.
My problem is that sometimes I don’t really care if people like me. I figure they can take me as I am or not at all.
Of course I’m currently being bullied at work, which is their problem, not mine. But I’m sure it’s because I’m just not their cup of tea.
Being sincere is a good tip, because it shows if you aren’t. Smiling also leaves a good impression.
I needed all these tips, THANK YOU!!! Keep in mind what the other person needs or wants, this is golden!!!
These are great tips for everyone, not just people that shy.
I speak less, but not exactly shy. I don’t care if people like me at work, because I am tired of them!
I used to be shy, but I definitely think just being there for people and listening to them helped out a lot of my relationships. When you’re shy, it can be difficult to create bonds with people… but a lot of times people just want to be heard and to feel like someone cares for them even if you don’t say much.
Great tips – getting people to like you is more about the other than yourself 🙂
Love these tips. I normally compliment something about the other person to put them at ease.